(no subject)
me being me
emote1975
Make me a mural, please. All the scraps of your life, every rusted wire and water damaged photograph. Tape it to my wall and I'll make a tiny spotlight for your best things, sit them on pillars and showcase them against the backdrop of all that you are. This is you, all of it, every horror and miracle that tightened your muscles, calcified your bones, hardened the skin of your knuckles. You move within it, swirling around you, these pieces that you choose to hold on to, these pieces that swirl around you, confetti from a distance. Some pieces of you are in motion, kinetic installations. Some are mouldering in trunks you, condensor, lug to every place you go and drag under y/our bed at night. Nothing fearful here, dragon. Even the things that teriffied you, dust and ash and memory of the smell of snow, this is you now. Now, now, now. Nothing in these boxes, heavy with nothing now that can hurt you. Time is wizard and watchkeep. And I, sitting on your open porch, wait for you, valiant prodigal ", to come back home.

Skylanders
me being me
emote1975
A year ago, Xander wanted Skylanders, so I bought Skylanders Spyros and he began collecting the Skylanders to play on it. About the time I breahted a sigh of relef that he had collected them all, he got Skylanders Giant and we dropped another small fortune. But, finally, he had all the completely separate Skylanders he needed for that. A few months passes by and hadn't asked for a new one. Well, now -- NOW -- these assholes have come wout with **new** Skylanders game - Skylanders Swap Force - that requires a whole new set of Skylanders to play. I mean, son of a bitch!!! I hope the u niverse sends a flat tire or a stubbed toe to the terrorist who continue to churn out these games!

I can hear the trains, always off in the distance
me being me
emote1975
Sounding, resounding, sounding, resounding. I hear them going on with the ongoing. Exotic, mundane places. Places I'm not going. I remain attuned to trains.

Life is not about hanging on to regret. Life is not about wishing for what you don't have. Life is not about wishing for what could have been.

I don't know if I believe in heaven in the sense that other people do. What I want is in the very last slip away seconds of my life, is to understand that things just are, that there is cause and effect in overlapping ripples, the unavoidable way that gravity has cause and effect in overlapping ripples, that people are scared and angry and doing the best they can at any given scared and angry moment. And I will be at peace with the world, with myself, with everyone who has or hasn't touched me. I will understand and accept. And where my spirit goes after that will be irrelevant.

I don't know if I believe in hell in the sense that other people do. I think that you wake up on a beach that is half sand and half gold dust. You can spend your life counting yourself blessed that you get to wake up where the gold does something magical to every peaceful sunrise, a blessing on your head, an embrace of the creatures living on the planet and the gold shines just so you can have this beauty to hang in your heart of hearts when the sun goes down and things become difficult. Or you can spend your life wailing at the fact that you'd be rich if it wasn't for all of this pointless sand in the way of you obtaining your personal wealth, spending your life furious and jealous of every other snarling person trying to sift each fleck of gold dust from each irritating grain of sand. You can spend your life beating your breast that its not fair, that there is too much sand, too much sand, that you'll never be wealthy even though you're standing on it and the irony can make you bitter, apathetic, depressed, unpleasant to be around.

I think we make our own hell. Every bitterness we hang on to, every person we refuse to forgive, every violent tragedy we replay in our brains at night, every "if only" we cling to wishing for a different reality instead of going out and doing something else or doing something about it. That, to me is hell. There is no need for eternal punishment. We do it already to ourselves.

the nanny
me being me
emote1975
So, after several emails today my ex and I have agreed to talk to my sister about moving in and working for us as a nanny. My ex did some research on how much most in house nanny's make so I guess we can run it past her. She will basically have the entire basement to herself. I don't think she cooks much for herself. I don't really know. I haven't lived with her in a really long time.

My ex offered to pay for this completely. That makes me wonder. She's already mad about having to give me child support and alimony so I'm sure for her paying this makes it seem like she's not giving me any money.

I'm so ready to be divorced.

Casa De Caseea
me being me
emote1975
So Sunday night is family dinner night at my parents house. It's a huge tradition for my mother and she gives you 2 a month to miss and after that, you better be there. Well, me being a single dad - WE NEVER MISS! Plus my baby sister moved back from Cali and want to see her.

My ex had the boys all weekend and she only called a few times with some funny questions. She brought them over to my parents house and my dad invited her to dinner. Surprisingly she accepted.

My mom was talking to me in the kitchen about my sister moving in with me and how it would help us both out and blah, blah, blah...and of course I was shaking my head in "no" and not getting anywhere with it. My mom brought up the fact that we've talked about getting a live in nanny and that Hope could be it and that who would I trust my kids with more a stranger or my baby sister??? My ex walks right in on this conversation and stated what a great idea that was! I had to laugh b/c I know what she was getting at. She didn't want me having some cute girl living in my house with me.

So I finally got my mom to accept the "we'll consider it" thing.

But do I want to live with my sister? She drives me nuts! She's....hmm..she's a free spirit. Yea. She's 24ish....and being the baby she's had EVERYTHING handed to her. She's never had a job...well, at one point she was going to play the violin so of course my parents bought her a violin an few months later she was off on photography...so $$$$ on camera and classes & then she decided to go back to art school which ended up her deciding she was going to be an astronomer & I'm not sure how long that lasted...and then somehow she ended up in LA....and you see where this is going.

Where the heck is Peyton Manning?

So, pros and cons...I do trust my sister. I do not want her friends crashing at my house and them stopping by constantly. My kids love her and she's very good with them. She's flaky and forgetful. She hates tv so she wouldn't let them just sit in front of the tv all day long. She also might drag them off to pick up her weird friends b/c their cars break down.

Ugh.

(no subject)
me being me
emote1975

Father's Day, 2013.

Tags:

Walking out of the grocery store,
me being me
emote1975
I was trailing behind a little old woman in her thin coat and someone else's tube socks pulled up so far the grey diamond heels hit the back of her ankles above her cheap tennis shoes. Scarf tied over her fragile head, she shuffles, slowly, through the narrow passage to the confusing automatic door. She navigates tediously, small plastic bag, clutched in her hands. Unsteady gait, she edges fearfully towards the curb. I could go around, but some people need a minute. Am I in such a hurry, squeezing my life so hard by the throat that I can't walk carefully behind an old woman, spotting her as she goes down a curb?

She navigates. Slowly, balance has become something, an adversary to combat. My hands go out behind her but she steps down ok and moves on. Her head drops and I see a man walking right towards her, his hands facing out like mine are, ready to catch this woman should she stumble towards him. He is smiling a tender smile at her, but she doesn't look up from her difficult task. Then he turns it on me, we both chuckle. Maybe a few years older than me, paint spattered white pants and t shirt, painter's kneepads still wrapped around his knees, long brown ponytail waving down his broad back. I thought he might touch my shoulder when we brushed past each other. We three drift apart, going on with our three unconnected lives, belonging to each other still.

it's her weekend with the kids
me being me
emote1975
what to do, what to do? I'm off Thursday - Saturdays...

My younger sisters birthday is on Halloween and she throws this huge party each year. It's a big deal. People pray they make the invite list. Hollie - she's the one I'm closest with. I tell her she's my BFF and she says I'm a big dork. I can't do anything without Holls. She shows me up in sports too. She married her 2nd grade boyfriend a few years back, Lance. Neither have ever even kissed another person. How cool is that? They just adore each other. I tell them all the time that they are the only couple I would ever trade my life for. He's a big ole farm boy and he works for our dad and he just don't give a crap what anyone thinks. He's 7'1 and she's 5'5. Hollie loves costumes and dressing up for halloween and as a surprise Lance has talked all us siblings into dressing up as a theme this year for her. Sesame street! Ha. I'm cookie monster and Lance is going to be Big bird. They're the nicest people and love all the nieces and nephews and have tried so hard to have a baby and it never works out.

I'm meeting my oldest sister, Heidi, for drinks at happy hour tonight. We're pretty tight. She's an attorney as well and tells me I need to cut my ex some slack. Heidi's...42 I think. Maybe 43 soon. She keeps us all together, she's the peace maker. She was married once a long time ago to a guy she knew in HS. They ended up both going to law school out in Oklahoma (OU) and then moving back here. I was young then...a kid and he was really cool to me. But he comes home one day after 14 years and has annulment papers for her to sign, no warning. She didn't see ti coming, none of us did. She signed them though. She didn't put up a fight, she said why bother, he's already checked out without notice. He regretted it a few days later and wanted to call that off. She said no way that she would never trust him and no one blamed her. It secretly and quietly destroyed her she told later when I was going through what I was going through. She hasn't really dated anyone serious since. My mom thinks shes a lesbian now. She told me no one would ever make her feel so foolish again. I get that. You think everything is great and then someone that you trust with your life pulls everything out from under you.

Leaving people is so easy too. And you can quickly start over without pause. Now with the internet you can meet someone on a dating site or social media in almost the same day. You can end things in a text / email too. People rush in so fast b/c out of fear of being alone and they don't see who the person is or even if they have common interest. A few years ago my sister ran into her ex and they had drinks and he told her he left b/c he couldn't handle that she was more successful than he was. She was floored, and with good reason. She supported him through so much and he left over that!

All my single friends jump in and out of relationships so quickly. It's amazing to me. I need more than that surface stuff. I want to know everything there is to know about my spouse / partner. I want to mourn the loss of them if it doesn't work out. I want to sit on the sidelines and tend to my bruises for a bit.

boys will be boys
me being me
emote1975
so I was walking down the hallway and I heard both boys (10 & 7.5) in the bathroom (& THEY WEREN'T FIGHTING) & I was just happy that they were laughing so I stopped at the door b/c they were laughing and I hear...
7.5 - (Xayden) "I can make mine bigger, give me a sec"


WHAT?!?!?!

The way I love
me being me
emote1975
It's hard. I love with a dictator's veto power, with my heart's best interest. Its been my saving grade, but the wake of broken confusion it leaves shapes & hardens those it touches. I am fast & strong & heal completely from deep wounds & she's one of those whom stay.

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